late July I hopped on a plane, said a momentary goodbye to my beloved New Mexico, and went back to Massachusetts for a quick visit. once my feet touched the pavement it was almost as if i never even left. an odd statement, considering how now it was warm and humid, and when i left there was still a solid 3 feet of snow on the ground. was it all a dream?

so far a lot of my tarot spread for the year had been true. i’ve been asked a few times if i really believe in this stuff. deep down, definitely (allowing for misreads, mistakes, and interference of course). out loud, i can’t be so sure. but regardless, I think it is a unique way for you to be presented with a series of images, and meanings that can trigger you to think of whatever you are going through in a different way. so perhaps it’s not so much like fortune telling, but reflection. as the saying goes hindsight is 20/20.

the only month, so far, i cannot agree with is July, the Hermit. while i was presented with a lovely opportunity to get involved in learning from the herbalist/astrologer i was doing a work trade for, i feel like i spent a lot of time with others. shirking quiet moments in order to fully live my summertime here in Taos with the lovely group of transient friends i had found. perhaps this is where my life went off track. perhaps it was just the way things were suppose to go. regardless i have no regrets.

when i saw the Eight of Swords for August it was too eerily true. this was the month i had to be back in Massachusetts. the Seven of Swords suggests feeling trapped, questioning why you are in the place you are, and what is it that keeps you here. when planning this trip i knew i had to be back for my cousin's wedding. in the beginning of 2015 i assumed this to be about my return home. feeling stuck in Massachusetts. as time got closer and i decided to stay out in the southwest the Eight of Swords meaning became unclear. was i going to feel stuck in my three week stay back east, or was it in fact talking about feeling stuck once i returned to New Mexico?

Scorpio is a fixed sign. even with their dark fascination with destruction, change is something they resist. this resonates perfectly with me. i don’t mind new situations but the in between moments never sit well. once back in the northeast for the first three weeks i was in love all over again (in the way that new experiences do). the rose colored glasses were on. i was surrounded by all the people i loved and wished i could pack up in my suitcase and take with me. i got to spend time with people i wish i had gotten to know better before i left. i was working at the Crompton again. I read Tarot for the first time at the Canal District Farmers Market and it was a hit.

i knew Taos wouldn’t be the same when i got back. i didn’t really know what was in store for me. there was comfort here. suddenly i worried the Eight of Swords was about going back to the place i fell for. i told myself it would be fine. it was just that resistance to change. it was comforting and lovely here because it was a reunion. a visit. i would be just as tired and fed up as i was in March if i stuck around here.

then an unforeseen tragic event happened to my friends who are my family. i had to stay behind. i rescheduled my flight to be pushed back a week so that i could be there for them. i made that commitment because life is hard and unfair and sometimes all you can do is be a shoulder to cry on for those who you love.

within the first three days since i made the decision to stay i had a moment of overwhelming emotion. the situation was intense. death always is. i tend cope with my feelings by running. avoiding. something i’ve gotten better at, but it’s still the first reaction. i was hoping being faced with the end of life would put the previous things i was upset by onto the back burner. put them into perspective. it didn’t. was this the Eight of Swords? why did i stay?

after that first moment of doubt, things became clearer. this was life. this was growing up. being faced with intense emotional moments that you can’t change or make better. you just have to be. you help the ones you love no matter what. because they will do the same for you. we have too strong a desire to ‘fix’ things, and sometimes all you can do is ride it out.

once my flight touched down in Albuquerque i felt a level of excitement, hope, and love as i looked out at the warm tan sands that seemed to go on forever. dots of sagebrush, an awkward grey-blue-green color, broke up the landscape. and that lovely deep blue sky watched over us all.

i remember thinking that the landscape here makes me happy, even if everything else is going wrong. which is something the Northeast doesn’t always do for me.

things were different when i got back. it wasn’t the warm happy summer i had left. some of my friends were here and tired, needing a change of scenery. some old friends recently returned, but were also facing a harsh sense of reality. we needed to find jobs. we needed to find homes. the summer was over. and september wasn’t going to be any easier than august.

I still don’t know what the Eight of Swords was about. I want to stay, but i also want to leave. everything reassures me that i have to just go with the flow. each day has had moments of ups and downs. i go back and forth on whether i stick it out here for a winter, or go back to what i know, and try again with New Mexico early next year. I want it to work out here, but i don’t know.

only time can tell. best to remain flexible, and open to the universe.